Frustration.

What's the point? What's the point of anything I do? Everybody just uses me till they need me. Till the time I'm making them happy. When will someone want to talk to me cause of who i am and not what i do to make them feel better or good about themselves.

Same-ness shockers.

This is about the gazillionth time I’m TRYING to write this post and yet again, I don’t know how to start. Everything I write just sounds like an understatement. It’s a special post, yes. And I want it to be BRILLIANT.

It’s about this dude I’ve NEVER met. It all started 5 months back. Well, maybe before that. My best friend, Kazo, came back from Bangalore in 2009. That’s when we actually became best friends. She’d gone to Bangalore for a year and there, in her school, was this spaz. Deep. Who later fell in love with her (OH THANK GOD). Since he fell in love with her, they would talk endlessly and my best friend would narrate all these funny incidents or the funny things he would say. And since I have a habit of befriending everybody I come across (:/), we started talking too, 5 months back.

Kazo told us that we were similar, but HOW similar, we discovered later. All we knew was that we were both spaz but, we already knew people who were super spaz so it wasn’t really a shocker. Then we started talking and SHIT happened. Good shit. He was a male version of me. Like EXACTLY the same. When we started narrating our stories, incidents, special moments, we realized we’ve been living the same lives. We’ve even had the same life threatening incidents. When we were both six, both of us almost drowned. We’ve had the same type of friends all our life. We’ve had the same phases at the same time. Hell we’re even scared of the same creature.

It’s so easy to talk to him. With him, I don’t have to be ashamed of ANTHING. Why? Because I just assume that he’s been through the exact same situation sometime in his life. And he has. Our conversations are mostly filled with ‘I know’, ‘me too’ or ‘dude, same’. It’s been five months of I know’s, me too’s and dude, same’s and we still have difficulty accepting it. We haven’t found even one difference. Wait, we found one. He loves mangoes and I just like mangoes (:|).

We’re both so detective-y and we like answers. But we still haven’t figured this one out. We will, soon enough. And we’ll meet too, soon enough. So that it becomes a little less weird for a third person when we describe the kind of relationship we have.

It still sounds like an understatement.

Birthday wish #4

I want to be in the middle of that. I live in India. So I've never really experienced snow. But, it fascinates me. Random movies have contributed much.

The ceiling thoughts.

The other day I was sitting in my bed, staring at the ceiling and just thinking. Very usual. I was thinking about my teenage years. I was thinking about all the phase. Everybody goes through them. They’re pretty nasty and unavoidable.

When you turn 13, everything seems so new. Probably because it IS new. You suddenly want to do things that ‘old’ people do. You explore your options. People say that what you do during your graduation defines your life, I say, THIS is the real time. This is when you’re the most innocent, the most vulnerable. If you get through this phase clean, your life would be as pure as love. Avoiding things or staying away/not being fully aware of the ‘wrongs’ as some people would call them, is not the solution. This is the time when you form, your own opinions, start questioning your beliefs, start defining your limits, start defining your principles and start forming a whole new set of ‘wrongs’. The trial and error age. The most interesting age I say.

After that, comes the 16th birthday. And things still remain the same, you’re still trying and learning, except, feelings get involved during this time. I know people fall in love at 13 too, but that doesn’t last too long. Sixteen is the purest age when it comes to love. Teenagers start thinking with their respective sex organs during this time. Everything is just extreme. Your self image is very sensitive, fragile and even one heartbreak can make you suicidal. You try to define your style, your likes, your dislikes and most importantly yourself. A very interesting age still, but the hardest to cope up with. On one hand, you have all that studying to do and that shit load of homework and all the pressure of choosing the right career and on the other hand, you fall in love with someone who is absolutely not interested in you. And you, being the inexperienced brat you are, start blaming your looks, your way of talking, all your possible internal and external features and try to change. OR you just become an egotistic bastard who stops believing in love. That’s exactly what happened with me, but more on that later. Anyhow, most of the people who take the first road end up being someone they aren’t, and the people of the second lot, just end up being unhappy. So basically, being a teenager isn’t a very happy process. This is also the age when “oh nobody gets me” is a common phrase.

Then comes the “oh-I’m-going-to-be-an-adult” excitement. Which dies after 24 hours, trust me. The only good part about being an adult is being able to do stuff without your parents eyeing you all the time. And partying. Booze seems normal at this age. It’s the age of amendments, I say. Whatever mistakes you made in the past, you try to change that cause by now you’ve reached half way through the process of self discovery. There are going to be a thousand people that you’d want to eliminate from your life. Sometimes even your best friend. It’s not the kind of phase where you can tell yourself, “oh, it’s just a phase, it’ll pass”, because it won’t. Till the time you don’t make those amendments. The sooner you organize things, the happier you’ll be. It’s all very complicated, but it really just BECOMES easy.

The rest, I’m yet to figure out.

All my Love.

Birthday wish #2 and #3

Since it's a wishlist and i don't really have to be realistic, I would like a leather jacket. THIS particular one actually. I heart Balmain.


AND, even though wayfarers are overrated and over-worn by now, I'd still like to own a pair.

Birthday wish #1

OH LORD BRING HIM BACK FROM THE DEADDDDDD!!!

Tests. Or really.

I feel like writing a lot these days. Mostly cause exams are coming up and I don’t feel like studying. I never feel like studying. It’s gig season. Competition season. The exciting season. The best season. AND I HAVE EXAMS DURING THE BEST MONTH EVER. I can’t even go for THUNDER.
[THUNDER: Years most important music competition ever. Schools from all over Delhi and Noida take part. If you win Thunder, you’re god. DPS RKP has been god for a while now]

A very good friend of mine is playing at Café de Rock right now. And I can’t go. Sigh. I’ve only gone for one gig. EVER. And my brother had to chaperone me. ALSO, Imogen Heap’s playing at Hard Rock Café on 22nd. I CAN’T EVEN GO FOR THAT! Bleh. Such is life.

It’s my birthday in 45 days. I don’t know why I’m excited. It’ll mark the ending of my teenage life. I feel old. Not any more responsible though. I have these crazy ideas that I've tried putting on paper. But then I just get too bored, or my excitement dies. Momentary excitement/motivation scares me sometimes. One minute I’m this super-intellectual-geek who’ll probably get into London School of Business with a full scholarship (I don’t think they do that though :/) and the next second I’m this lazy-useless-good for nothing kind of person who cannot and will not achieve anything in life. Or have a decent career. Ever. Mostly the second one. I don’t know why. When I know my goal and how hard it is to achieve, I have no clue what comes in between.

Anyhow, back to my birthday. Yeah. It’s usually the worst day of the year (valentines comes next), cause of the amount of expectations I have. I’m just silly with these special days. I keep on hoping for something supernaturally awesome to happen. But, it never does. And then, I end up weeping like a lost piggy. Not really, I’m just saying.

Sigh. I hope 2012’s better than ever.

PS.: Birthday wish list coming soon.

I COULD take the one less traveled by.

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN.
-Robert Frost

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


This poem, for me has always been the most inspiring poem. Its shouts out courage, passion and that die-hard spirit. Which I'm trying to achieve. I know the things that i think of, all these dreams that I've dreamed, CAN be turned into reality. But reality is just too expensive. Sigh. That's when i thought of a student loan! Everybody takes it. But my parents are too traditional. If i decide to take a student loan after my graduation, they'll think they don't have enough money to support my education. Student loans for such parents are offensive. But, I've always wanted to be independent. And i WILL do it this time.

Usually, these things are better said than done, i know. But it's more of a challenge this time. I'm probably in the worst college ever, right now. But, I'll be in the best college ever for my post grad. That's my dream. And very soon, it'll be the reality.

Lame curiosity.

It’s so hard to think sanely sometimes. I’m of the female species; obviously I’m much more curious than an average human brain is. AND I’m a teenager. Raging hormones contribute to the curiosity. There are so many questions in my mind. Sometimes random, sometimes about life, sometimes about the people around me. I’m always wondering what the person I’m talking to is thinking, about me, about the situation. I’ve asked questions that people can almost never answer. It’s not them, it’s just my questions.

Sometimes I think, that everything different/abnormal/random/weird happens to me. Or maybe I just think a lot. Everybody who knows me would agree with the latter. But I believe everything happens for a reason. I’ve always believed that. Maybe that’s why I’m curious. I haven’t found many reasons yet. Karma isn’t the only answer. It can’t be the only answer. I thought there were ‘two roads’ to everything. Where’s the second road, brah? I’ve always questioned concepts that people have already answered beautifully. I’m never satisfied it seems. I call them ‘tricks’. Tricks of God. I think God is the only thing/supernatural being/ concept, I haven’t questioned yet. I can’t get myself to. About six years back, I used to think being an atheist was ‘cool’. The SHIT that High school can do. I know, I know, God is against everything I just bullshitted about. But it’s so cool. Imagine a person who has the answer to everything! EVERYTHING ones ever wanted to know.
I’d lead a less crazier life. It would be boring though. Anyhow, Love.

Strange-strange Girl.

My best friend, after reading the last post asked me what my weakness was. And for a minute, I couldn't think of anything. Then i thought of her, my mum, my brother, my dad and so on. Obviously. I've always been a socialite, always had my way with people. My weakness was my biggest strength. Relationships. People around me. Friends, family, people. I feel the most embarrassed when i wave at someone i know and they don't notice me. And i feel happy when people give importance to me. I realise how attention-seeking that makes me. Or maybe not. Doesn't everybody like being noticed? Or is it just me?

Well, whatever it is. People make me, people break me. It's so easy and creepy at the same time. Pleasing people comes naturally to me. That's exactly why i go out of the way to make them feel comfortable..happy..maybe at the cost of not being myself. That's where the tricky part comes in. I never thought of it this way. When i started being adamant and started shining my 'light', people obviously started disliking me. And the phase of losing friends began. So simple. Not really though. It can't be that simple. It never is.

I've never been my priority. That's why I'm balloon shaped. I never took care of myself. Sometimes, when i look in the mirror, i feel a sharp feeling of disgust and disloyalty. Disgust because there's no standard opinion. No standard personality. No identity. Disloyalty because I've never really been true to myself.
Frankly, I'm a little tired. Tired of this show. Tired of pleasing people. But that's what makes me happy. In this madness of being 'perfect', I've forgotten who i really am. I know the whole staring at the mirror and asking myself questions related to my identity may sound a little over-the-top and dramatic, but I've done it. Several times in fact. It's not like I've lost the real me, I'm just confused. There are so many sides to me that i don't know which one makes me comfortable.. not happy.

This note seems way too introspective. These past couple of days have been the same. I remember telling one of my friends in college that i hate relationships. I do. It's the ultimatum that automatically gets set, that pisses me off. And further destroying my relationships with other people who actually matter more. Why would i want that? Why would ANYBODY want that?

Funny thing, this world is.

Moonlight.

Everything around me, seems exceptionally soppy these days. The movies are creepily perfect, the music always tends to set the mood and even the moon seems..well, just there. I haven't seen the moon in so long. Things seem happier suddenly. I feel more independent and myself. And i have no clue why. Maybe cause people have started noticing me. College was a fresh start. And i'm a sucker for fresh starts. Clean slate. New life. I always thought i didn't like change. But i was obviously wrong.

I feel happy this way. My way. The old way. Fresh starts let me be 'me' for a while. But i have a feeling this'll last longer. It's funny how a person like me, who almost never expressed her feelings, in terms of anything or any person whatsoever has become so open. I feel i can talk to people. And i have a feeling they like that. It took me a while to figure out how important honesty in a relationship was. For me too. It took me a while to understand how important it is to share. Thoughts. Feelings. Views. Things can get pretty nasty if all of a sudden, one day, you decide to be honest and pour your heart out.

Happened to me. Trust me, it isn't pretty. One step at a time always works best.

I learnt to appreciate myself these past few days. I learnt to see what i can actually do. I learnt how to identify my weaknesses. Maybe that's why I'm happy. Fresh starts can teach someone so much. About oneself and the people one depends on.

Perfect suddenly seems so ordinary.

Back to the soppy-ness. Yes. Everything seems lovely. Happy. Perfect..well almost. Unreal mostly. It's like I've never loved life before this. I realised i have so much love to give and i actually never made the effort. I feel stupid. But i learnt.

All my love.

Sucha Capricorn.

3rd January '93. Capricorn. Ruined me for life. Made me a typical perfectionist, naturalist and a highly creative person. Arrogant, greedy and needy too. Increased my expectations from myself and the people around me to levels unreachable. Some people, incidents, situations, sayings change one for life. The year 2011 has been such for me. Every time realization came to me, I started questioning, ignoring and believing at the same time. Questioning myself, my past. Ignoring special people. Believing in myself. I really thought I was an independent woman who didn't feel deprived of people around her. Thought I was a socialite, who had thousands of people around her, to not be dependent on any one person for life. Thought I could make it by being friends with everyone. Never realized how needy these traits made me.

Funny, life is. Always teaches you the harsh way.

Anyhow, this blog shall be an attempt to get sorted. And To stop trying so hard. And to keep reminding myself, 'This too, shall pass'.

So long.