Strange-strange Girl.

My best friend, after reading the last post asked me what my weakness was. And for a minute, I couldn't think of anything. Then i thought of her, my mum, my brother, my dad and so on. Obviously. I've always been a socialite, always had my way with people. My weakness was my biggest strength. Relationships. People around me. Friends, family, people. I feel the most embarrassed when i wave at someone i know and they don't notice me. And i feel happy when people give importance to me. I realise how attention-seeking that makes me. Or maybe not. Doesn't everybody like being noticed? Or is it just me?

Well, whatever it is. People make me, people break me. It's so easy and creepy at the same time. Pleasing people comes naturally to me. That's exactly why i go out of the way to make them feel comfortable..happy..maybe at the cost of not being myself. That's where the tricky part comes in. I never thought of it this way. When i started being adamant and started shining my 'light', people obviously started disliking me. And the phase of losing friends began. So simple. Not really though. It can't be that simple. It never is.

I've never been my priority. That's why I'm balloon shaped. I never took care of myself. Sometimes, when i look in the mirror, i feel a sharp feeling of disgust and disloyalty. Disgust because there's no standard opinion. No standard personality. No identity. Disloyalty because I've never really been true to myself.
Frankly, I'm a little tired. Tired of this show. Tired of pleasing people. But that's what makes me happy. In this madness of being 'perfect', I've forgotten who i really am. I know the whole staring at the mirror and asking myself questions related to my identity may sound a little over-the-top and dramatic, but I've done it. Several times in fact. It's not like I've lost the real me, I'm just confused. There are so many sides to me that i don't know which one makes me comfortable.. not happy.

This note seems way too introspective. These past couple of days have been the same. I remember telling one of my friends in college that i hate relationships. I do. It's the ultimatum that automatically gets set, that pisses me off. And further destroying my relationships with other people who actually matter more. Why would i want that? Why would ANYBODY want that?

Funny thing, this world is.

Moonlight.

Everything around me, seems exceptionally soppy these days. The movies are creepily perfect, the music always tends to set the mood and even the moon seems..well, just there. I haven't seen the moon in so long. Things seem happier suddenly. I feel more independent and myself. And i have no clue why. Maybe cause people have started noticing me. College was a fresh start. And i'm a sucker for fresh starts. Clean slate. New life. I always thought i didn't like change. But i was obviously wrong.

I feel happy this way. My way. The old way. Fresh starts let me be 'me' for a while. But i have a feeling this'll last longer. It's funny how a person like me, who almost never expressed her feelings, in terms of anything or any person whatsoever has become so open. I feel i can talk to people. And i have a feeling they like that. It took me a while to figure out how important honesty in a relationship was. For me too. It took me a while to understand how important it is to share. Thoughts. Feelings. Views. Things can get pretty nasty if all of a sudden, one day, you decide to be honest and pour your heart out.

Happened to me. Trust me, it isn't pretty. One step at a time always works best.

I learnt to appreciate myself these past few days. I learnt to see what i can actually do. I learnt how to identify my weaknesses. Maybe that's why I'm happy. Fresh starts can teach someone so much. About oneself and the people one depends on.

Perfect suddenly seems so ordinary.

Back to the soppy-ness. Yes. Everything seems lovely. Happy. Perfect..well almost. Unreal mostly. It's like I've never loved life before this. I realised i have so much love to give and i actually never made the effort. I feel stupid. But i learnt.

All my love.